two feet in.

If You've Got LITERACY and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!

All righty, I think I've been gone from the world o'blog for long enough.  Not to say that I'm back for good.   It seems that the necessitudes of burstingly full work schedule intersecting with highly unpredictable emotional-spiritual-creative-political vicissitudes have pushed these two feet toward paths unforeseen, but hopefully not permanently away from this wee corner of cyberspace. 

Yes, I may be frustrated with the dearth of public writing that I have engaged in recently, but Thank God Almighty -- I've got LITERACY!

Or, so says George Bush at yesterday's conference on Global Literacy. (via the always laugh-provoking WIIIAI)

And just in case you wonder about the top reasons have literacy, here they are (in the order presented in the LITERACY speech (you'll have to search the speech yourself for all the literacy errors present in said speech, 'cause I'm just focusing on what's most important):  PROSPERITY! 

1. "it's pretty clear; in order to be an informed consumer you have to read"
2. "In order to be able to take advantages [sic] of jobs that may come to your country as a result of expanding economic opportunity, you've got to read"
3. "In order to be a productive worker, you have to be able to read the manual."

Then, of course, he gets on to the stuff of spreading freedom and democracy:

I also strongly believe that those of us who have the benefits of living in free society must help others realize the benefits of liberty. I believe that.  I believe that's part of America's responsibility in the world.  I realize we can't impose our vision of government, nor should we try. But we believe here in America in the universality of freedom.  We don't believe freedom belongs only to the United States of America; we believe that liberty is universal in its applications.  We also believe strongly that as the world becomes more free, we'll see peace. That's what we believe.  And we're going to act on those beliefs.  But one thing that's for certain:  It is very hard to have free societies if the citizens cannot read.

That's right -- it is very difficult to have free societies if the citizens cannot read:

The past two decades of war and sanctions have also taken a heavy toll on Iraq’s education system...  The literacy rate among those between the ages of 15 and 24 is just 74 percent, the survey reveals - a rate researchers note is only "slightly higher than the literacy rate for the population at large." But this figure is lower than literacy rates for those 25-34, "indicating that the younger generation lags behind its predecessors on educational performance." [hmm, I wonder why that could be?]  The survey also indicated that the literacy rate for women in Iraq has stagnated in the past two years.

Which, then, brings us back to PROSPERITY (for the very few).  O.peration I.raqi L.iberation has indeed been a success.  Ah the joys of capitalism, and thank god I've got literacy.

As Good a Reason as Any to Get My Kid Potty-Trained

As if there weren't enough reasons to not buy from this company already!  --

One person that will not be getting Hispanic votes in Wisconsin is Rep. James Sensenbrenner. The entire planet knows Sensenbrenner is the author/sponsor of HR 4437 which would turn 11 million undocumented immigrants into felons, punish anyone guilty of providing them assistance, and construct an iron wall between the US and Mexico. What most Hispanics do not know is Rep. James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin is heir to the family fortune of Kimberly Clark. All Hispanics who purchase some of world's most recognized brands - Little Swimmers, Kleenex, Scott, Huggies, Pull-Ups, Kotex, Poise, Viva, Cottonelle and Depend are putting money in Sensenbrenner’s bank account.

Here's a bit of info from the Kimberly Clark website:

A quarter of the world's population puts money into Sensenbrenner's pocket!  Including, me.  Yes, in spite of my best intentions, my daughter is quite the devotee of Disney (!) Princess Pull-Ups for her nighttime wetness protection.  And I won't even get started on my son and his Lion King Huggies.  Ah, the contradictions with which we live...

The Kimberly Clark/Sensenbrenner boycott starts today. 

All I Want For Christmas...

2005 is the year of the talking action figure!

  OR  

Pull the cord on the back of the Hugo Chavez action figure and hear:

• "It's your dream, it's your hope, and it's your job to be free and equal." 
• "Hoy llegue aqui para hacer todo lo humanamente posible, para ser lo util al pueblo venezolano en su sueño, en su esperanza , y en su empeño de ser libres y iguales." (Roughly translated... Today I arrived here to do everything humanly possible, to be useful to Venezuela in her dream, her hope, and in her pledge/obligation to be free and equal.)

George Bush phrases include:

• "This great nation will lead the world... and we will be successful!"
• "This isn't a republican war, this isn't a democrat war, this is an American war."

Add in this one:

Push Ann Coulter's belly (no pull-cords for her) to hear:

• "Liberals can't just come out and say they want to take more of our money, kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race."
• "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."

Get the whole set and you'll be ready for hours of age-appropriate imaginary play!

Friday Corporate Command Blogging #3

Elevate, Expand, Endure!  Stay Connected with the Ones You Love, and Make Every Body Happy.

Hmm, depending on how you put all those corporate commands together, those orders don't sound too bad now, do they? 

But, if you are not able to heed the corporate dictate to Stay Connected with the Ones You Love, then take solace in the fact that you can always...

Isn't rampant capitalism wonderful?

Friday Corporate Command Blogging #2

For your Friday, I give you more corporate commands, as we all need a little help making decisions in these troubled times:

Spread the Word! 

Grab Life by the Beach Balls!  and then...  Don't Just Entertain Them!  Delight Them!

Someone at Tyson Foods is Watching Me

Two Feet In's ultra-sophisticated blog stats-tracking program tells me that Tyson Foods has visited this site several times over the past week. 

Could it be... THIS?

Friday Corporate Command Blogging

Let it be known that from this day forward, I will be spreading the gospel of the corporate command, at least on Fridays.

You are all hereby instructed to:

Unleash your warrior spirit!  and then...
Surrender to the smooth and creamy galaxy!

Not necessarily in that order.

Cash In, However You Can

I've returned from the family vacation, and now hope to get back to some regular blogging!  When I recover from the shock of the 42 hour return journey, I'll engage in some self-absorbed mama-blogging and recount the particular horror of long-distance, disrupted, and delayed plane travel with two young children. 

During the trip I went through some rather significant internet and general media withdrawal, as the house where we were staying in Italy lacked such amenities.  So, I've been spending free moments today catching up on what has been happening in the world for the past two weeks. 

In spite of very limited media access, I was able to catch at least bits and pieces about the London bombing.  However, I missed this oh-so inspiring story:

Hundreds of commuters spent Thursday night stranded in London and some have accused hoteliers of cashing in on the bomb attacks. Prices at a number of London's hotels increased by more than double on Thursday night, the BBC has learned.

A Trading Standards Institute spokesman said hotel profiteering after a bombing attack was reprehensible.
With the transport networks down and no way of returning home, one businessman from Manchester told the BBC he had paid L250 for an L80 room.

Commuters said they were appalled, and thousands chose to walk for hours to reach home rather than stay the night in a hotel.

As Bush, Blair, and others reminded us after 9/11, when in doubt, just go shopping.  Isn't capitalism wonderful? 

But do they work for 38-year-old, post-childbirth paunch?

All of this holiday hedonism has my pants feeling a bit snug around the waistline. Thank goodness, help is on the way!

I've just found out that there are several cell-phone ring tones (called "Rockmelon" and "Body Thinning") that will help me shed those extra pounds.  As an added benefit, I can also increase my bust size! 

Here are some personal testimonials:

Age:  22 Before:  35.5" bust.  After:  36.5" bust
The bust-boosting ring tone sounds a bit scary, like a horror movie.  I listened to it while I ate, and after awhile it made my appetite decrease.  I used to eat a big bag of chips as a snack every day, but after listening to the ring tone I didn't want to eat that kind of snack.  The most amazing thing is that in a month my bust grew one inch -- I couldn't believe it!  Before, I wouldn't dare wear a see-through shirt, but now I wear one with a colorful bra underneath.  When middle-aged guys pass me on the street they do a double take!

Age:  24 Before:  102 pounds.  After: 98 pounds
The weight-loss ring tone is so harsh.  It's really annoying!  But after I had listened to it for a week, I started seeing results.  I don't know why, but the ring tone makes me want to drink and eat less.  Previously, after eating dinner I would eat four servings of ice cream in one sitting.  Now one serving is enough!  My boyfriend promised that if I lose two more pounds he'll buy me a Burberry miniskirt!

Hmmm... I'd venture to guess that listening to any cell phone ring tone while I eat or for a week might make me lose my appetite as well, especially when said tones are harsh and scary.  As for the bust-enhancing capabilities, you'll have to trust the experts: 

"Most would think it's a lie, but the techniques involved in the process have been known for some time and are the result of research I carried out in the '80s and '90s," Tomabechi tells Shukan Gendai. "I use sounds that make the brain and body move unconsciously. It's a technique involving subliminal effects."
Tomabechi claims that techniques exist to provoke movement in a certain part of the brain that reacts to sounds and light.
"It's a part of cognitive science. I suppose you could call it a kind of 'positive brainwashing,'" he says. "Sound waves travel in patterns that can be properly re-played."

The breast-enhancing tone received more than 10,000 downloads in the first week of availability -- a virtual goldmine at just "300 yen" or $2.90 a month.  However, as an added benefit to loyal two feet in readers, you can test out Rockmelon HERE -- completely free!

I suppose Rockmelon and Body Thinning are cheaper and safer than implants or liposuction. but somehow I don't think that makes them much better for us.   I'll settle for turning off the cell-phone, taking a walk, and engaging in any of a number of other forms of positive brainwashing.

Just how many threads do you need for peace?

Oh happy day!  There's a new store open near my house that sells fine linens.  Honestly, I'm not sure how the neighborhood lived without a fine linen store until now...

Turns out that you can not only get your 800-thread-count sheets here, but you can also buy some peace at home.  Didn't know that peace could be purchased?  You must not live in Berkeley!

I was walking past a few days ago, and saw a book prominently displayed in the window, next to the fine-linen-luxury comforter pictured here, called, "Peace at Home" and knew that I had to go in and check it out.  While in the store I found out that I wasn't allowed to test out the display beds ("We don't like to iron!"  -- not sure what they thought I'd do on those beds...) and that I could buy a pair of pillowcases for $120. 

Flipping through the book, I learned that the route to peace seems to embodied in bare, near-empty rooms, pristine white furniture, artfully placed candles, and of course, high-thread count hand- combed Egyptian cotton sheets.   In the living room, the author proposes ornamentation such as tribal masks or silk screens from China, and matter pulled from all five raw elements -- ether, air, water, fire and earth.  I never knew that peace could be so easy to achieve!

Coming back home, I did a bit of Internet research and learned that my lack of attention to such matters might actually be stunting my children's development:

The author of Feng Shui for the Nursery, says new parents should adopt the principles of feng shui to help baby ''grow up happy and fulfilled in body, mind and spirit.''
• Place the crib at a diagonal to the door, with the headboard against a wall. In this way your baby is safe from any negative chi that might seep through the door.
• Keep a bowl of sea salt on the dresser. It wicks excess energy from a room and helps baby sleep soundly.
• Use color to balance temperament. Red inspires activity, orange promotes family bonds, yellow encourages cheerfulness.
• Avoid cleaning the nursery before nap or bedtime. Cleaning often whips dust into the air and leaves behind unnatural scents that disturb tranquil chi.

True, it might not always be very tranquil or peaceful around here (goodness knows there's lots of dust whipping around).  Nonetheless, I like to hope that we've got peace aplenty --  even without feng shui, aromatherapy, or Chinese silkscreens. 

However, please let me know if you have any suggestions for incorporating ether into my living room.

didn't go shopping today

No, I didn't go shopping today -- got on a plane instead.  Actually I can't decide which I dislike more:  shopping in general, or flying across the country in a packed airplane with two small children.  Even still, I'm darn mad that I missed all those post-Thanksgiving sales.

If we hadn't been traveling, I could have hit my local Walmart early to pick up a few gifts, maybe even the Princess and the Pauper dolls that my kid got to see "come alive" on TV yesterday.  Yes, we were watching the lovely Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, in which every float is an advertisement and all the marching bands are white (true, I didn't see every minute of the parade, but what I did see didn't quite represent the high school students that I know). 

At one point a Mattel commercial came on advertising the Barbie Princess and the Pauper dolls pictured above.  R's 3-year-old mouth dropped open and I could almost see her begin to salivate with desire.  The commercial ended, back to the parade, and lo and behold, here comes the princess and the pauper float, complete with real-live princess and pauper!  Her body went into spasms of preschool orgiastic excitement as she exclaimed that they'd "come alive." Great.  In spite of my best efforts, this is a child who loves nothing better than wearing pink frilly dresses, and now she has Barbie princesses coming alive on TV.

At this point, father-in-law announces how great it is that Mattel just gave some large number of dollars worth of these toys to "poor children."  Perhaps I shouldn't be so cynical as to put down charitable donations of toys to kids who might not have them, but, well, I can't help it.  Let's create those consumer preferences early!  Get 'em hooked on the product line whatever way you can, and then they'll have to go back and buy all the Princess and the Pauper accessories, the DVDs, the video games, the books, the Wedding and Vanity playset, the life size dolls, or even the Royal Musical Castle! 

And I haven't even gotten started on an analysis of the blond princess vs. the dark-haired, darker-skinned pauper.  Or, what it might mean to give the princess and the pauper dolls away to "poor kids."  And then I could get into tax breaks for mega-corporation and advertising dollars saved by do-gooder 3-minute spot presenting gift of toys to Katie and Matt on the  Today show.  I could get into all this, but am too exhausted from my day of not shopping.

 

only 54 shopping days to go

R. and I ventured out to Target today with the goal of buying a few bags of Halloween candy to hand out this evening.  In order to get to the part of the store that had the Halloween supplies, we had to first make our way past the larger than life-sized Sponge Bob Square Pants display, and then navigate through, yes – the Christmas section.  I don’t know about you, but I sure am feeling rushed with only 54 days to go, so was pleased to have the opportunity to pick up some 3-D reindeer and a light-up wall Santa.

I’ve been trying to downplay the Halloween thing as much as possible, even to the point where I feel a bit guilty about it.  R’s preschool, Pickles, had a costume parade on Friday, and since she usually doesn’t go to Pickles on Fridays, we conveniently skipped the parade.  Now all weekend long she has been talking about the Halloween parade that she doesn’t know has already happened without her.  I didn’t feel like dealing with the parade, so we didn’t go – an executive decision made with no input from my daughter.

However, more and more as a parent, I am discovering (usually the hard way) that it is *so* not about me anymore.  On an intellectual level, I knew that before having kids, but the depth to which it is true can only be understood through the trials and tribulations of trying to negotiate life with children.

Take the whole holiday/consumerism/popular culture/media thing.  All it takes is one trip to Target with a three year old to find out just what you are up against.  When we walked in the front door R. ran up to the giant Sponge Bob and exclaimed, “Mama, I LOVE Sponge Bob!!” 

Well, this was news to me since, as far as I know, R. has never seen the Sponge Bob television show.  As we wandered through the store we saw clothing, costumes, shoes, toys, you name it -- all advertising Nickelodeon or Disney characters.  Sure enough, my daughter knew each and every one of them, even though her exposure to them in our home has been minimal.

It is a fine line that I find myself trying to navigate.  On the one hand, my daughter finds these shows, toys, and characters compelling and wants them in her world.  However, as a parent, I don’t particularly want them her world.  I know about repulsive product development and marketing tactics that drive kid culture.  These “products” – whether they are TV shows or toothpaste – represent corporate domination of our lives and minds, and often perpetuate stereotypes that I actively strive to overcome with my children.

But, we don’t live in a bubble.  I know that in spite of my best efforts, R. is probably going to want to play with Barbies and see the latest Disney movie.  As Halloween gets folded into Christmas, which then blends into Valentine’s Day, and seamlessly on towards Easter, and it all gets wrapped up in shiny Pokemon paper, I hope that I can at least help my kids to be more mindful consumers, to eventually see the bigger picture beyond the marketing hype.  I’m still not quite sure how to go about doing that, but I suspect that it will involve my opening up a bit more to my children’s world and talking with them about what they find important.  While I won’t be buying them the Bratz L'il Mall or the Barbie Cool Crimpin' Styling Head anytime soon, I know that I will be attending the preschool Halloween parade next year.